How To Build Confidence and Self Esteem: In Others And In Yourself

March 4, 2016, Ange, Mind Matters, Uncategorized, , 0

How to build confidence and self esteem in others and in yourself is worth a measure of consideration. This relates to nearly every single person, in fact, even if you are not a carer I have a sneaking suspicion that you too, go through life feeling that you are unappreciated and non-valued.

 

You Don’t Need To Be A Carer To Feel Like This

 

It might be at home, at work, in your relationship, even doing something nice for someone when you didn’t have to. We all feel this way every once in a while, it is human nature. For some of us, it is much more frequent. From my own personal experience as a carer, it certainly is rare to feel validated, which invariably leads to low self esteem and low confidence issues for me. (Please note that if you are not already attending a carers support group, consider finding one because they always offer people validation for what they do).

There’s an easy way to build up your own confidence and self esteem and for others too. If you did this simple little action on a daily basis, the people around you will develop these traits. By helping them achieve validation, you work on your own by default.

 

Maslow’s Heirarchy Of Needs

Maslow’s Hierarchy of Needs is considered to be representative of the basic human needs for people above and beyond the basic survival needs of food, water and shelter. Abraham Maslow, back in 1943, presented his psychological theory of human motivation, his “Hierarchy of Needs”, which is well respected in university studies and the field of psychology. I covered it in my own degree, which is why I bring it up here.

If You Understand This, You Can Understand People Better

 

Knowledge of these needs gives us better understanding of why people feel and behave the way they do, and what motivates them. If we fill a need in other people we intrinsically feel better about ourselves, creating self-approval and improves how others see us. For example when we show kindness, our esteem in others eyes will increase, allowing us to feel respected through their appreciation of how we made them feel. Hence developing self esteem in others and receiving it yourself. Do you get my drift? It is both a direct and indirect method of gaining self esteem and self confidence.

 

But What Does This Have To Do With Me?

 

Let’s take a look at the above triangle, in particular our needs for love and belonging, esteem and self-actualisation.

Need For Love And Belonging

 

Our need to be loved and to belong somewhere is how we find validation and gives us confidence and high self esteem. When we are shown love, we feel like we belong somewhere, we have a place in someone’s heart, and ultimately their life. It makes us feel good about ourselves, improving our self perception.

 

Same Goes For Others

 

Likewise, when we show others love, we support their need to feel love and to have a sense of belonging. Without this need to belong, this feeling of where home is, there is an inability to feel settled, accepted, even welcomed.

 

Need For Self Esteem

 

Then we have Esteem itself, which is where our respect of other people and their respect of us becomes a big factor in how we feel about ourselves, it also covers a sense of belonging, this time in society.

Therefore, showing respect to others, gives another person the opportunity to feel respected, and in this way, they appreciate and respect us for it, thereby filling our own needs.

 

Need For Self Actualisation

 

Then right at the very top is Self-Actualisation, which relates to how we leave our mark on the world and of the judgement of others on our very lives.

 

Judgement Affects Us

 

If we feel badly or incorrectly judged in any way, we don’t feel we will be respected at the end of our lives for our achievements. We may feel as though our lives have been insignificant in some way causing a great deal of stress, even when we don’t necessarily realise it.

 

Valuing Ourselves Is Not So Easy Though!

 

We find it easy to tell others how they are valued, satisfying their needs, but rarely do we give value to ourselves. We tend to depend on outside influences to receive value instead of finding value in ourselves, within ourselves. We allow other people to decide whether they value us. Stop it! Other people cast judgements without knowing YOU. Therefore the way they see us and choose to make a decision on our value is tainted with bias.

 

There Is Much Value In YOU!

 

Find the little successes in our own lives by looking within and recognition from outside sources will naturally follow. Look at how we’ve lived our lives and fulfilled other people’s needs according to Maslow. You will find plenty to value right there. Success follows those who love themselves, and is giving and generous in their interaction with others.

 

 

 

Our mark is left on those people’s lives we’ve touched and made better for having known us, or in our case, been cared for by us. By simply being a good and kind person who helps other people get their needs fulfilled we become valued.

 

You Are Awesome!

 

You are carers, you are naturally this way inclined and regardless of what you believe about yourself due to the lack of validation you receive, you know it deep down in yourself. Don’t ever forget this. You guys are awesome, love yourself for what you do, be proud of it. I truly believe that once you begin feeling better about yourself, when your confidence and self esteem starts to shine again, your life will start to improve and you will begin to see tiny little rays of hope surfacing.

 

There Is Nearly Always Abuse And Very Little Recognition As A Carer

 

Let’s face facts, we are in a very non-appreciated role. We get verbally abused for all kinds of reasons, totally irrelevant to us, if it just so happens that we are in the wrong place at the wrong time. The abuser is more often than not, the very same person we care for and whose presence we must remain in.

 

We get physically abused too. It happens to me very frequently. Even just this evening I nearly got punched while I was driving because she had been triggered by something she believed to be true of someone else.

 

Safety Is An Issue

 

In fact the truth of it was, she had jumped to the wrong conclusion about something and couldn’t be placated because she believed that by me trying to clarify the situation, I was in fact defending the other person. Which was totally not the case at all. The car was not exactly the safest place to be at the time.

 

It Doesn’t Seem Fair

 

Did I get an apology? No. Was there any remorse for what she did? No. Did she even acknowledge that she had been at fault? No. It was business as usual, my fault, when the situation had not even been caused by me, I was merely ‘there’ while she was passing through this phase of anger, or ‘episode’ as the clinical name for it is.

 

Society Doesn’t Even Validate Us

 

To top it all of, we get no validation whether it be by choice or necessity, in being a carer for our charges. There are a large number of people who are of the opinion that we don’t deserve any recognition or financial support. Merely because we made the decision, or were forced, to care for our loved one in their hours, days, years of need and no one else was willing to do it. These can often be family members or close friends. Some believe and even vocalise that we are a burden on society and taxpayers.

 

Carers Help Reduce The Cost To Society But Rarely Do People See This

 

Never mind that without us, the tax payers would be up for higher costs in the funding of support for our charges. Yes, there really are people out there like that, and the numbers are many, not just a few. I know of some of these myself and I’m sure you do too. In reality, the only way we are likely to feel valued as citizens, is to do it ourselves, and for each other. This article is my way of doing it for you.

 

Looking at it this way, we can see how the act of being validated, or validating others, might be extremely important in terms of a basic human need, to feel as though you contribute in a valuable way to society, particularly the people around you.

 

A Fanfare For You

 

I’m sure every single person out there would love to have a big brass band performing a fanfare just for them. And as carers, I can almost hear your wishes for people to just do it, sing our praises, just a little, just once.

So in light of this we really must get into the habit of validating ourselves. If our charges, and other non-compassionate people won’t do it for us, we need to find a way to do it ourselves. We can tell ourselves that we are valuable, but it is extremely important to FEEL it and more importantly, to BELIEVE it!

 

At Last, Here Are The Strategies I Am Suggesting

Validate Yourself

 

One of the ways I suggest to teach you how to build your confidence and self esteem is using affirmations. I strongly suggest you try them. You can make your own affirmation recordings if you like, and play them at night when you go to sleep. You might like to look at getting a subliminal recording of such affirmations made. I wrote an article on subliminal audios that you may find interesting. Not only will it help you relax and give you a different outlook, but you can choose a couple of free audios that may do exactly what you need to build your confidence and self esteem.

 

There Is Help Available For Boosting Your Own Self Esteem And Confidence

 

Otherwise there is an option to create your own affirmations and have it placed onto a subliminal recording. This is what I mean when I refer to a direct way of boosting confidence and self esteem and you can do it yourself. You don’t need anyone else to say anything to you, and you can do it in the privacy of your own home, room and in your own time.

Validate Others

 

Another, even simpler way, is to give validation to other people. And I am suggesting here, that as hard as it may be when you are getting abused on a daily basis, start with your charges. Tell them some nice things about themselves. See if you can begin to turn around the dynamics of the carer/cared for roles and bring about more harmony in the relationship. Don’t just stop there, spread the love, validate your family and your friends, and still don’t stop. Show appreciation for strangers, give them compliments, see how good it makes you feel inside.

 

 

You will feel so alive and wonderful to know that you are changing their lives in a small way. Just watch the respect and admiration come back to you. I know, we were taught to give and not expect anything in return, well we aren’t really expecting that. We are merely expecting our OWN lives to change in some small way. Just try it! See how you find this exercise. Do you feel uplifted? Happy? Like you belong? Like you are appreciated?

 

Giving Validation To Others, Validates Yourself

 

This is both a direct and indirect way to feel as if you have contributed to society or that you are a success. By giving validation, you feel good. By giving validation, another person feels good, which makes you feel accomplished. The receiver of the validation feels uplifted which ultimately causes them to be glad they met you or saw you that day. This validates you in their eyes and your own. Do you see what I am getting at? Validate, validate, validate.

 

Watch The Video Below, It Will Drive It Home To You

 

I would really like to recommend that you watch the following video. It’s about 16 minutes and I found it truly inspiring, warm, and a great source of ‘feel good’ vibes. Plus the added benefit is that it gives you plenty of examples of how you can incorporate these validating actions into your daily lives.

 

An Award Winning Short Film – The Importance of Validation

 

Mirror Mirror On The Wall

 

I’d like to express another idea in the form of a therapy that some psychologists use – the ‘Mirror Technique’, which is where you look into a mirror for a long time, just staring into your own eyes. It can be quite a confronting and difficult experience, especially if your self love is low or non-existent.

It’s supposed to help you let go of feelings of worthlessness etc and be a tool to tell yourself some new things about you. Thus by telling it to yourself and seeing yourself saying it, the idea is that it cements new beliefs into your self view. Why not try this too?

 

You Take It From Here

 

I hope you enjoyed the video and I trust that you may have found some new ways how to build confidence and self esteem with the ideas presented here. Please let me know how you go. I believe that this will give people a new lease on life in many ways, but unless I hear back from other people who are using these strategies, I won’t know for sure.

There is a comment section below each of my articles which I urge you to use to give me some feedback. I am not a psychologist, but I have studied some of the subjects and I have experienced some of the techniques put forth here first hand.

 

Warm Wishes and remember, YOU ARE FANTASTIC BEINGS!

Ange

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